


Sister knows best

by Antiel



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Gen, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 18:34:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1909416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antiel/pseuds/Antiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>aka Tips how to piss off Thorin in 15 easy steps</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sister knows best

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Silliness ahead, proceed with caution
> 
> Disclaimer: this article is by no means liable for any damages or injuries caused by raging Thorin. Use these tips wisely and when concerned for your life run and throw your cute little sons (his nephews) at him. Change is usually immediate. If it doesn't help throw Dwalin at him... they'll fight it out.

**1**. Smile at Thorin in the morning and say "Why Thorin, you look positively elvenly today"

 

**2**. When Thorin comes into the room get spooked and say "Sorry thought you were Thranduil for a while"

(I know it might be bit repetitive, but if he still doesn't react pull out the big guns)

 

**3.** "And did you know that when our lore says, that Durin woke up alone, it was because his elven lover already left?"

 

**4.** "Brother dear, were you aware, that there was this book about your quest (Well another, that was not written by Ori)? It was written by a Man and is very well known and even more loved throughout our land and beyond. And do you know what it's name is? *smirk evilly* THE HOBBIT"

 

**5.** Exchange all his majestic coats for patchwork bathrobes with pink faux fur collar.

 

**6.** Spread a rumour that Thorin the King Under The Mountain is actually Thorin the Queen Under The Mountain and watch what happens when he is for the first time in his life called "My Lady".

 

**7.** Put a practice target on his back for Fili and Kili and give them a challenge. The best shot and run will get their own weight in cookies.

 

**8.** Hide his coat and draw him a map, or make him ask for direction, he got lost twice in Hobbiton.

 

**9.** Give him laxatives before the elven diplomats arrives and watch him squirm through the whole audience.

 

**10.** Show up in dress with glitter and ask whether the Arkenstone shards make your dress sparkle enough.

 

**11.** Run to him with a message that there were oldest writings from Old Erebor found. When asked what they say. Show him a writing on a wall that says "Thorin sucks"

 

**12.** On his birthday make him a giant cake from which will naked Óin jump out.

 

**13.** When Gandalf comes to Erebor steal some of his firework and point it at Thorin. (I know I already did this one as a little dwarfling, but I'm sure unlike his beard, his hair will grow back)

 

**14.** When Thorin comes to argue who will ride the pony (You only brought one) tell him. "Alright we will both ride the pony" And then fasten him to the pony's belly. Figure out later where to put his feet.

 

**15.** Hang many drawings in Erebor of young Thorin with his bottom bared with a writings "That's where he keeps his beard"\he didn't have his beard but he had plenty of hair elsewhere\Thorin his majestic buttness

 

At the end of the day just hug him (in front of witnesses), kiss him, and call him The bestest brother there ever was with a cute voice and puppy eyes. After all Kili and Fili learnt from the best.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, if you see any mistakes please let me know. This is my first fic. (hopefully not last) 
> 
> “ψ(｀∇´)ψ Any suggestions how to torture Thorin (or any other member of Company) are welcomed. ←～（o ｀▽´ )oΨ


End file.
